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Love does not exist, etc. [ 24 Sep 2009 6:59pm ] I don't even know where to begin. I see people around me all the time, making the wrong decisions when it comes to love. I will continue to agree with myself that the only way we learn is to hurt and be hurt, hence why we never give up and continue to date. Though, the only way you can really "know" is to be or become. I'm beginning to use the term "i can relate", meaning, "I am not feeling what you are feeling but i can imagine from past experiences". I've seen my girlfriends (and even myself a year ago) being sucked into a miserable relationship they can't get out of because "they are in love". So, I've taken so many notes this past month I don't know where to begin. Let's begin with how love is recognized. I have a friend. She text, phone calls, picture messages, etc, her boyfriend the entire time her and i spend together. She tells me how miserable she is, and she does seem miserable, though, she also says "but I'm in love with him". There are emotions that are so easily recognized as love. Romance, lust, longing, "love-making". Overall, love is seen to possess these days. All these emotions can be verbalized. "I miss you", "I want you", and most importantly "I love you". All of this is possessive. My friend is possessive over her boyfriend, she needs him, she wants him. What she is truly missing is that fact that he exist in this world as an individual with his own time. The way the world is now, the only thing we have to ourselves is our time, and sometimes that even lacks. Even though I for the most part i live alone, my phone is constantly vibrating from a text or a call. This constant feeling to possess and be possessed is not love. Love is an invisible plane of energy and being. Like i said above, to know is to be. Love is not an action, love is to be love. Now, how does one become love without having anything to love? Love is a state of consciousness. I feel love every day, alone, from nothing. Everyday we face fear, i mean, life is hard. Sometimes we face it because we have to, and sometimes we face is because we have a goal in mind. I choose to put my career before anything else. Times can become desperate, but regardless i face in my fears and ultimately i am rewarded, and have been doing so for the past 2 years. Love is walking in a straight line, unwavering by fear, regardless of all the emotions that are seen as "evil", or the human ego. The human ego is what carries all emotions that fight love; pride, guilt, jealously. You are love, when emotions are invisible. Here's an example. A few months ago i was dating a guy, and i was out with friends, at a bar, pretty late at night. my friend ask me "where is your boyfriend? does he know you're here?". I honestly didn't know where he was. It wasn't because i didn't care about him, my mind was simply blank on the thought, and i felt nothing. I was not thinking to myself "he could be up to no good", or "i am lying to him about where i am". I want to use the words "i trusted him", but i had no reason to not trust him, and by default does that mean i trust him? no. I was simply living in a invisible field of devotion, that where ever he was, whatever he was doing, he was making the right choice for him and myself as his girlfriend. He was doing the same respect for me. In relationships, and life in general you're constantly being tested, not necessarily by the opposite sex, but it's nearly impossible for two people to sync as one on a day to day basis. All those emotions i mentioned that are considered as being a loving emotion action (romance, lust, longing, etc), would be what draws someone to cheating, therefore taking you off your straight line you choose to walk with another person. So what is to say having those emotions for one person you're dating means love, and for the person you would cheat with, doesn't? These still are not seen as love, but now just needs of the human nature. Now, there's also people like me. I don't cheat, i lack faith and grew up in a household of the religion "chew with your mouth closed and use your 'please' and 'thank you's". I try to follow my beliefs and do the best I can with the circumstances that I am given. The human ego plays a role, with it's distorted thoughts of fairness. Back in my miserable relationship days, I always caught myself saying "Im hurt because I made myself vulnerable and you didn't care". Well, the human ego does recognize vulnerability and can grow off of it. When the ego sees no ego to fight pride with pride, it automatically sees the battle as won, ultimately hurting the other person in ways devotion cannot fix. Those people still choose to carry on a relationship due to those "i need you" "i want you" feelings. Women in general seem to love making themselves vulnerable and instinctively feel like they are being treated unfair because her vulnerability is being overlooked. A man can not understand this because he can only relate, but he cannot become the women and know her situation. This fight is really unfair for both parties, because you're basically fighting evil against evil, and in the end no one will win. I agree, sometimes understanding a women can be like backing up a trailer, and it's not fair to men, but nothing can be more painful and confusing to a women to see a man shut himself down and check out emotionally. I see this in everyone i know and every relationship that i've been in. The key is to be truthful with the ego and it's evil. Know your ego, and what it is capable of. Like i said, knowing is being. You have to recognize it is there to fix it. Walk towards the truth and you'll see love, regardless of it's outcome. Guilt is the feeling of love recognizing that it let the ego take over. Where i see most people go wrong (including me) is that they can recognize but they continue to let the ego take over, lacking the relationship they are in of truth. Lack of truth causes distance. It's completely needed for one to analyze a situation. Analyzing is one action that is the first step towards the truth, and once conscious of ones emotional investments, they may begin to burn the bridges and choose the path on which is it better for them to take, bringing themselves to truth, and ultimately love. One of the biggest misunderstandings about myself that people do not understand that i am in love with no one, in fact, i don't think i ever am or will be, regardless if i have men in my life, or the times before i've told someone i've loved them or been in love. I see myself one day settling down with someone who has the same rational views i do and will choose to walk in a straight line with me till the end, and will not fear evil emotions, but recognize them and walk past them with me. Yes, i do have feelings of lust and longing, and thats where the men come in, but i also have love that i receive from no one but the invisible field of consciousness i surround myself with. To know love you have to be love and exist with love as a state of being. You may find happiness in a person, but not love. two people 'in love' does not exist. two people that exist together in a state of love do. As life goes on and we all age and become wise and exhausted, those feelings of "i want you" "i need you" generally begin to fade, and who are you left with? your best friend. A person who has walked this straight line with you and recognized and surpassed those evil emotions with you. A good relationship is build off of state of solitude shared with another person, and once you find that you'll realize that you can do it alone and be happy, or with someone and be just as happy.

Back From Hiatus (And Going Public). [ 13 Sep 2009 1:31am ] Year one of college number two completed. Thank you. Going well, details on that later, now back to writing. So, I've had a another year of dating, or as I like to call them now "tragedies" under my belt. Given my bajillion unanswered questions on the opposite sex, about two were answered over the course of 08/09. So contradicting yourself, I do it, you do it, it takes either an extremely simple, or self aware personality not to. As complicated as relationships are, break ups even more so, when you weave two contradicting personalities into the picture, both individuals seem to lose track goal which they both set out to meet together. We all get confused sometimes, sure, but it seems sometimes people contradict themselves so often you lose site of who that person really is. I've come up with a solution of my own to this, but it leaves me with another question: Which speaks louder, actions or words? A girlfriend of mine had been talking to a man for a few months. Everything seemed to be going fine, though no common goal for a relationship had been established. They talked for so long, the words "guy you're talking to" automatically turned into "boyfriend". That usually happens into the 2nd month anyways, right? Things started to really slow down between the them. So, eventually I pushed my skeptical friend into approaching him with the question of "Hey, what's our title?", thinking it would be best to have words of clarity. In return- "I don't want a relationship". What? Did he just stop caring? Why the sudden change of heart? I've realized no one goes out of their way unless they really care. I know for myself, if I'm not interested in you, you'll notice i won't return your calls or text, nor twitters responses or whatever the latest technology trend is at the moment. Which coined the term "I have bills", basically saying I have other responsibilities that are more important than a commitment someone I know I have no future with. Yet, in my so far six years of dating, i've spent countless nights on my phone arguing with a boyfriend till I had to work the next morning. Why? I cared. Where I went wrong is stopping the conversation in its place and saying "Hey look, I care about you". Simple words to resolve a feud between two people who obviously care for each other and want to make things work. So, instead of separating the two, "actions" and "words", perhaps there is a miscommunication between the translation of the two? Now, no break up is clean and simple. No two people can synchronized their ability to stop loving at once and independently move on with their lives. Hence why break ups are terrible experiences. Durning that window of "we're together, now we're not, and now we're both over each other", my ex will turn into more of a figment of my imagination of this timeless love i'll never get over and next thing you know I'm at AMPM at 11pm getting gas to drive to his house for an encore before calling it quits. If those are my actions, aren't I done? Well, obviously I have some hope, because "my bills" won't be getting paid that night. If I saw no future, I wouldn't waste my time. Also, add in the factor that there probably is some missing going on that I feel as though I need to fulfill. And see, some people don't react to break ups that way at all. A few days ago a girl at my work was telling me how she turned off her phone so her ex couldn't get a hold of her. She told me "It's done, once you hurt me, it's done", or something to that effect. I told her that she should turn back on her phone to see if he had left a message. Turns out she had the night before and there was nothing. See, she cared. She showed him the action of "I will give up my celly cell phone to not have you in my life". Yet, she checked, she wanted to know she was being chased. I mean, yes, we all care and want to be cared for, it's in our nature, but there is a difference between disconnecting yourself from someone, and playing a game of "catch me if you can (for the moment i turned on my cell phone to read your text)". Now on one side you have me driving to your house at 11pm, and then you have Osama bin Landen over there hiding in her cave with her hummus and secretly checking her phone to see if you've moved on from her or not. Is there much of a difference? In my book, no. Some actions just aren't seen. Then you also have actions that can be totally and completely misread, like my friends and her faux-ex boyfriend. It seems as though yes, actions do speak louder than words, of course it varies from person to person, and their tolerance for a situation. Sometimes, enough of one action does need words. The thing about actions being so bold and true, just like words, they can be overwhelming. You know the whole "you want what you can't have", well it seems we should also being saying "I don't want what I have texting me off the hook while I'm working so I can't get anything done" or my personal favorite "I don't want I have trying to get chinese take out right after I get off off work while I'm just trying to stuff my face alone because I'm starving and don't want to worry about making conversation with you while I'm eating". Life is a balance. When that balance is thrown off, that's when actions and words become misread or heard. A break up is a huge shift in balance. Each ratio of your life needs the same space and time between each other. It seems as though if one becomes overwhelmed, either in the way of gaining a partner or losing one, the balance is so thrown off that you find yourself being contradictive. Being taken out of the situation, it seemed as though the actions themselves were the ones that spoke for the situation. If it wasn't for a fear of abandonment, I'm sure most relationships could rekindle themselves if the two people could learn to take it nice and slow. Maybe words were needed to express that before actions had to take over? Lack of words is a action in itself. So it seems as though the issue isn't words vs. actions, but the two coexisting together. Now, back to my stomach flu. ( 1 )

[ 16 May 2006 11:18pm ] no, i write in here all the time. ( 4 )

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